Help, I've fallen for my friends with benefit and can't get up.

We've all been there. We tell ourselves, "no strings, attached," "I won't catch feelings," "It's purely physical." Until it isn't, on paper having a friend with benefits sounds amazing, but when you put it to practice…yikes. 

I am a survivor of a failed friend with benefits. Four-year friends with benefits, to be exact (A moment of silence for our fallen soldier.) Now, could I have saved years of trauma, tears, fights, and mental breakdowns simply by leaving as soon as I felt any romantic feelings towards him? Where's the fun in that. It was for character development ( I tell my therapists in my bi-weekly sessions). 

I like to think that those four years where I had my head up my a** were necessary for my growth and helped me evolve into who I am today. I also like to think that my mistakes can help other people who have been going through the dark, twisted path of falling for your friends with benefit. 

So let's get down to business. I will fully admit that I might have been part of the problem( I know, shocking.) I went into this relationship with zero expectations. This was good. I also went into this relationship with very little self-respect or confidence. This was bad. This brings me to my first lesson of having a friend with benefits. 

BE COMPLETE ON YOUR OWN FIRST.

Whether romantic, platonic or somewhere in between, no relationship will benefit you if you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself first. No one can make you feel whole. It's not their job. I went into this relationship being insecure. I was okay with sneaking around and hiding this relationship because I thought it was what I was worthy of. I didn't think I was the type of person someone should be proud to be with. I loved that he looked at me and didn't see all of the horrible things I saw when I looked in the mirror, and that was enough for me to stay. I accepted being treated poorly because I was used to treating myself poorly. I 

This leads me to my next lesson.

JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS DOES NOT MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE TO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT. READ THAT AGAIN.

The two are not mutually exclusive. Even if it is purely a physical relationship, they still should treat you like the badass you are. Respect is the bare minimum. 

Now, why I caught feelings for this man? I WISH I KNEW because it was sure as hell wasn't his fantastic personality or killer looks. I think it all comes down to the fact that I didn't have feelings for him. I had an attachment to him. My 18-year-old self just didn't know there was a difference. I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with the idea of getting him to love me. I romanticized a version of him in my head that didn't exist. I thought he was afraid to admit he wanted to date me, so I stayed. I thought we were the right person wrong time, so I stayed. I thought it would work out once we graduated, so I stayed. Are you catching on?

He knew exactly what to say to keep me from letting go. He used my vulnerabilities against me and said, a giant f*ck you.

However, this is where I will admit to some fault. I never expressed how much I cared about this person. My pride was through the roof. I would get upset when other girls would be in the picture, but I said it was okay. I allowed myself to go on other dates and be with other men but was upset when the roles were reversed. I lied to myself and said I had no romantic feelings for him. I convinced myself the way he treated me was normal. I ignored every red flag imaginable. 

Because at the time, I thought hiding my feelings was my best option. I thought the pain of losing him would hurt more than the pain he was putting me through. WRONG.

So, if I could give you any advice if you are currently dealing with falling for a friend with benefit, I would say. 

1.) Make sure you know your intentions in the relationship. Check-in with yourself often and make sure you feel comfortable with how you are treated. 

2.) Do not mistake physical attraction & comfortability for love.

3.) Be honest with yourself AND them. If you find yourself missing them during the day or thinking about any type of future with them, you need to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship. 

4.) LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. You will ruin so many relationships if you go in without learning to love yourself first. How you treat yourself shows others how you are okay with being treated. You accept the love you think you deserve. 

5) If being honest makes them leave, make sure they shut the door on their way out. You don't want someone in your life who doesn't realize how lucky they are to be there. 

I am glad I went through this relationship because it made me do the inner work. I looked for a solution for my insecurities within other people when I should have found it within myself. I did not realize how uncomfortable I was with being alone with myself. I did not know how much I relied on outside validation. 

I no longer am uncomfortable being alone. If anything, I thrive off of it. I have fallen in love with myself and learned to care for my mind and body. I had to feel the pain of not being treated with respect to realize how I deserve to be treated. I learned that being comfortable with someone does not mean they are right for you. I had to learn that you wouldn't be afraid to tell them how you feel if it was the right person. I learned that you will never be able to fix the broken parts of yourself with someone else.