The power of healing and giving back, Girls gotta heal: Surviving through grief and trauma
Celebrating the journey comes with acknowledging the challenges and pain of navigating and accepting grief through the ever-changing lens of a girl, now a woman. Ten years after the traumatic loss of my father, grandparents and uncle have undoubtedly caused me to reflect on everything that led me to where I am. Educating and supporting youth and young women have always been important to me as I had struggled the most with coping and dealing with my trauma at those times in my life.
Being in a pandemic and working with youth today has put me in a unique position where at times I relive those experiences of having declining mental health myself and feeling hopeless as they share with me daily their experiences navigating through these trying times. I’ve felt empathetic toward the challenges of youth today living through a pandemic and have leveraged my own experiences with trauma and uncertainty to better support them in a school setting. One of my high school students with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), who has been learning remotely for an entire year told me the other day (after I had implemented more of a prevention strategy to help him cope) proudly, “Miss, see, I’m looking out for future me, like you taught me to.”
We don’t talk enough about the in-between. We see struggle and downfall sometimes but are often shown images and fronts of strength, powerful voices, and liberation. For a young person going through trauma, it can be counterproductive to see those images as we naturally compare ourselves and may find it difficult to see that for oneself in the future. It makes you more aware of your current situation and challenges and seems almost unattainable. I was far from anything that resembled model behavior and coping as a teenager- I did what I could with the few resources I had at the time. I was shut down and withdrawn from the closest people to me; I never allowed myself to cry, I took on unhealthy amounts of guilt and became an emotional caregiver. Losing my father in my first year of university after years of declining health placed many barriers in front of what would’ve been the start to an exciting clear path to one’s future for many university students. Still, it was a clouded and uncertain path for me. I often thought things would never get better and accepted them for what they were. I was coasting – comfortably and unnoticeably on autopilot. There was no way out-no way out of anxiety, depression, grief, or financial strain.
As young people who are developing a sense of identity and where they fit in the world, that tunnel vision widens naturally with more experience. It can also be hindered by trauma or challenges with mental health. Doing things at the time that made me feel guilty and uncertain were often the things now that I’m grateful for doing – they propelled me forward. These included applying to schools, accepting an offer, taking multiple jobs, commuting daily for classes which meant time away from my grieving family, walking into the student services office on campus after a counsellor was making rounds to lecture halls to remind students of the support available and going out with new friends to parties and get-togethers – again being away from home. I can say I most definitely felt guilt the majority of the way. I felt like I wasn’t deserving of that university experience and that I needed to always be home to take care of or to be sad or people would talk. I noticed, though, that I was developing that sense of self through those pushed experiences, and it was opening my eyes and mindset. I began developing my own opinions, standing on my own, leaning into friendships that made me feel good, and taking chances, most importantly. I looked out for future me when I was barely able to keep my head up and overwhelmed with intense grief and triggers from what I know to be PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).
A shift in my mindset and wanting more than what I had led on was what drove me. What started as surviving turned into developing my identity, and liking that feeling led to me taking more chances. If not me, then who? I wasn’t being given job handouts or family connections to kick start my career or pay for student loans and debts that I had accumulated like a lot of my peers. It’s something to this day that I’m proud of and have to remind myself still- Taking chances on yourself will outweigh the feeling of guilt. Healing is ongoing – another concept that I had to work toward being open-minded about.
This mindset shift at the start of the last ten years led me to contemplate and eventually decide on seeking support at a campus student counseling center for the feelings I felt so incredibly but couldn’t work through on my own. I had been emotionally taking care of myself and others for so long, and it was difficult to admit that I couldn’t carry it anymore. Supporting youth mental health now more than ever should be prioritized at the forefront of all educational and medical institutions, workplaces, and overall within our communities. This includes providing a safe space, welcoming vulnerability, and offering appropriate support. I think it’s vital to validate young people’s experiences, validate that sometimes our feelings are too big to navigate through on our own, and even though someone might not understand who it is full does not mean that they can’t help you through. You’re deserving of being heard, your experience is not comparable to someone else’s, it can always get better, and you can always be doing things along the way that can give back to you and look out for future you. The journey, the experiences, the healing work, giving back - it’s all full circle now.