Thou Shall Not Slay? I Think Not!

 Ladies, it’s time to stop dimming our lights and shine bright!  As an almost forty-year-old Black woman, I’ve had difficulty navigating feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome and comfortably accepting my greatness. While feelings of Imposter Syndrome are very real, they don’t have to own our lives. Once I stopped watering down myself for others and recognized my well-deserved accomplishments, I began to GLOW, and so can YOU! I share my story of identifying, understanding, and working through feelings of Imposter Syndrome with the hopes of inspiring other women to display their inner and outer slay!

The Realization:

There I was fresh out of graduate school, excited and ready to take on the world of education, special education to be exact. All of the evening classes, my practicum-teaching year, licensure tests, and job interviews had led me to my big moment, embarking on the career I’d work so hard for. Right? Or so I’d thought; instead, I was feeling quite the opposite. I remember thinking during my interviews, “I’m not ready, they don’t really want me, if they do hire me, it might be to fulfill a diversity commitment.” Then, when employers did hire me, I worried that I didn’t know enough and that my boss would find out that I was “a fraud” because I didn’t have all the answers.  Even when my colleagues pointed out my successes or accomplishments, I was oftentimes convinced it was because they felt bad for me or were just trying to be nice. 

Initially, I assumed these thoughts occurred because I was in the first years of my career, but each year that I was promoted, those thoughts not only continued but also grew. I often wondered, “How is this possible?” or “Why do I continue to question my capability and achievement?”  It wasn’t until I sought outside support that I realized I was experiencing feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome, and I wasn’t alone.

What Imposter Syndrome looked like for me:

 It’s important to acknowledge that my personal experience and feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome were identified by a professional.  When I met with my therapist and described what I was feeling and experiencing, through our conversations, she acknowledged the difficulties I was facing were connected with Imposter Syndrome. My therapist described Imposter Syndrome as the feeling of inadequacy in professional settings, despite being more than qualified and having enough expertise in a person’s field. She went on to tell me that Imposter Syndrome can fall into five categories: the perfectionist: someone who strives to always do their best no matter the cost; the superwoman/man: someone who may struggle with work addiction; the natural genius: someone who has difficulty with perfectionism and sets big goals; the soloist: someone who has difficulty asking for help; and the expert: someone who struggles with not feeling good enough despite being very knowledgeable. I seemingly was a mix between the perfectionist and the soloist based on the descriptions of my experiences. I was always looking to be perfect and would strive to be the best even to a fault and had difficulty asking for help because I was worried I would look like I wasn’t qualified or fraudulent. Finally, I was able to put a name to what I was feeling and experiencing each day in the workplace. As a Black woman in my field as a Learning Specialist, I often look around and realize that I seem to be the only “one” since I have rarely seen myself reflected in the positions I’ve held.  Even today, as I enter my seventh year as a Learning Specialist for a prestigious private high school in New York City in the year 2021, there are still so few of “us,” Black women, holding similar positions in these predominantly white institutions.  As a result, the pressure to be successful has only increased. This factor played a big part in the feelings I was having associated with Imposter Syndrome.

Impact and experience as women in the workplace:

So how can our experience as women in the workplace perhaps lead to possible feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome and influence our daily lives? Well, in a male-dominated world, we as women know the odds are against us when it comes to equity and inclusion regarding positions, promotions, pay, and equal treatment. Then, once we do get the prestigious but well-earned new position, pay raise, or promotion, we are met with questions as to how we got there from men, and unfortunately, other women alike.  Now, take all of the above components and add them to not only being a woman, but specifically a woman of color, and the work environment becomes even more difficult. From my own experiences, as well as some of the women of color I have worked alongside, there are also feelings of being tolerated, less than, or being hired to check a diversity box despite being more than qualified for your job. It can be a heavyweight to carry and a burden that can ultimately dim your light -  it certainly began to dim mine.  Instead of reminding myself of all the great work that I had done, I made excuses for it and doubted my true greatness. I navigated workspaces with anxiety and worry, always second-guessing myself. I was a specialist, which clearly indicates that I have unique, rare, and specialized experience and expertise. Yet any time I was confronted with an issue and did not immediately have all of the answers, I allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t deserving of my position and felt like a fraud or “imposter.”  Rather than reflecting on the expertise I had acquired over the years and was qualified to offer, I instead focused on how to just get through the day without making any mistakes. That was almost four years ago, and thankfully through seeking outside support, I have worked hard toward overcoming these feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome and managing them much more effectively.

 Working through feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome:

 How does one work through feelings associated with Imposter Syndrome, you might wonder. For my personal journey, it was through daily reminders and affirmations that I belong and deserve a seat at the table! In fact, if I’m totally honest with myself and all of my greatness, I can actually have my own damn table if I so chose! I am a specialist for a reason, and through my own hard work and dedication to achieve, I have and will continue to flourish. Instead of rejecting praise, I became more accepting of my accomplishments and stopped making excuses for them. Have there been times when I did not have all of the answers? YES, many, but asking for help does not lessen my expertise, qualifications or “expose” me as some sort of fraud. Instead, I now look at asking for help as adding to my journey and growth of learning as an expert in my field. Lastly, I’ve found additional ways to positively contribute to my workplace to ensure others could have spaces of affirmation.  For me, that was becoming an Equity and Inclusion Coordinator, so students and colleagues of color could feel my commitment to their experiences of being seen, acknowledged, and praised in predominantly White spaces. Engaging in ways where I could support others helped me to see and brighten my light and my purpose.

 My advice: 

Ladies, there is no shame, nor should there be any guilt in feeling good about yourselves and celebrating your amazingness!  Letting your inner light shine on the outside is tough sometimes, and it’s ok to feel doubtful.  There may be times where you may not feel seen or heard, but that does not take away from your value or contributions.  Find ways to self-affirm and make sure the love you pour into others, you pour even more into yourselves.  Recognize your progress and accomplishments, no matter how big or small; they deserve to be acknowledged and celebrated. Lastly, it is so important to always remember. YOU are WORTHY of slaying each and every day. SHINE BRIGHT!