Balancing my life with layers

I ’d like to write out some thoughts I’ve had during a life balancing journey I’ve been going through over the last little while.  Perhaps it’s something that others can relate to; in fact I know it’s something that at least a few can relate to because many of my reflections have come from conversations and email discussions I’ve shared with some of my closest friends.  I wanted to put my reflections down on paper to see how my own thoughts on balancing life have come together and have shaped my approach to my life.

To provide you some background about myself.  I am a 40-yr old mom to two young boys (6 & 9), married to a physician who has a thriving career and am myself an executive director at a mid-size investment research firm that focuses on sustainable investing.  As I'm writing this down, I find it interesting that I listed my life roles in that order... perhaps that is the order of roles that most prevail.  But I do find all these roles to have a very important place in my life.  

Admittedly, trying to be a great mom is something I often have to actively work on, as its not always natural to me.  I find that my role as a partner in my marriage is also quite dynamic.  At times I want far more than just a partnership oriented around splitting tasks and raising kids; and at other times, it’s that exact partnership I lean on, appreciate most and find my deep love through.  My role at work however is something that comes far more natural to me and accordingly I put a tremendous amount of energy into it and allow it to be very demanding of me.  I'mpart of an organization which has rapidly grown to 3x its size over the last 5 years, and has been an integral part of shaping the extremely fast-paced industry of impact investing; which has all provided me with a tremendous amount of fulfillment. As a result, my work has really become a part of my identity as much as my two other roles; and just like my two other roles, brings about a roller coaster of emotional toll and satisfaction.  Along with all this, I really enjoy being socially active.  While I find the parts mentioned above to be fulfilling, I still often prioritize my social life and feel quite incomplete without it.  It is a part of what I often need to feel fully satisfied.     

So there you go, my kids, my partner, my career and my social life are all the things that I prioritize.  Sounds like a pretty great life when I put it down on paper.  But the issue often is, its quite difficult to balance all those priorities and still feel innately happy and fulfilled.  The truth is, I haven't always been successful at it, which is precisely what motivated me to think about how to find a happy balance.

What has motivated me to think about this?

There have certainly been times in my life that have been...well, not really difficult...but more that I’ve felt like I've lost control on how optimal I'm able to make myself.  Which for me, was really difficult to accept, which then further brought me down.  With the roles I play in life, I do need to be as optimal as I can be; or at least have enough energy to think about and handle numerous things.  During various times in my life, especially after having kids, there have been many times where I’ve felt happy enough (so not depressed), but not particularly excited to do things.  I found that without that excitement, I didn't have the energy to be as optimal as I could or wanted to be, and everything just felt like work.  That included spending time with my kids, seeing family, doing activities, even cooking and seeing friends.  Perhaps part of it just felt like everything I was doing revolved around satisfying others, and that I wasn't inherently getting satisfaction out of it myself.  The thing is, it pertained to things that I normally wouldn’t want to avoid. They were things that I should have found inherent happiness and energy out of, like seeing my kids smile when painting with them, taking a walk with my family, or going to dinner with friends.  Sure they were things that I had to do in life to make life work for the people most important to me, but they were also things that normally would bring ME a lot of pleasure as well; but was somehow escaping on me.  Again, to stress, it wasn’t necessarily a horrible feeling, I just wasn’t experiencing the inherent beauty of these things; and so while they still felt important, they felt like work, rather than pleasure.  It was just like I was living life, but not enjoying the most important aspects of those things that life revolved around.  

During these times, I felt very slowed down.  It made me feel like I was not winning the game of life... that I just wasn’t getting it right and that I should be better at it.  The feeling of being less than my optimal at things; and at times even worst, where I didn't want to do (I still would) some of these important things, was really becoming a self-perpetuating spiral, where the more I felt that way, the more slow I felt.  I really wanted to "win" life and not only find the energy to do the things I should be doing, but also find the joy in those things.  I realized that I needed to actively figure this out because I knew that if I didn't, this could be my life.  I've seen too many people let themselves stay in that kind of "rut" or state of mind and just live through life in that way… and I wasn't willing to.  I knew I could be more optimal for my kids and family and just be more happy.

I think the way of figuring out how to get out of this state can completely vary from person to person… But I'll tell you what generally helps me (not to be prescriptive at all…just to help relate).  

For me, that realization that this could be permanent if I didn't do something was a large part of it…that alone gave me energy.  It gave me enough energy to at least think about and do other things that would help me even more.  

What helps me:

I thought long and hard about what balance meant for me and realized that balance wasn't about just balancing the things that were needed of me vs. what I wanted; it also wasn’t just about figuring out how to handle everything. Balance started coming to me when I protected myself with a core of happiness.  Almost like enduring weather. No matter how harsh the weather is; itsall more tolerable when wearing the right clothes to protect yourself.  In fact, you’re able to enjoy and see the cold, snow and ice in a more beautiful perspective, so long as you have the right layers to protect your body.  Having the right layers was key.

It’s something I had to actively start to understand; what in my life do I have to focus on for my core happiness; my layer of protection.  Those things which give me more strength to be the person I want to be in this world.  Thinking about how to find my own grounding to be better for the other aspects of my life was never something I had to actively think before. But I realized at this stage in my life, it wasn’t easily going to fall neatly together; and that it did deserve some real thought.

One morning at 3am many on my thoughts came together and I started mapping it out... i.e. what are the things that bring me inner peace/happiness that are closest to my control; and then what are the things that are most important and effect my emotional energy.  I realized that I had to have that core layer of peace/happiness in tact if I wanted to be optimal for the other things that effected my emotion.

A lot of the things that I mapped to my inner layers of happiness are things that just often escapes me.  But when I don’t keep those things active in my life I start depending on, or leaning on the wrong things for that inner happiness; things which just can’t fill that space.  For example, I feel more at peace in life when I’m working out and eating healthy.  I feel more ready to handle everything else. When I’m lacking some of that inner happiness however, I tend to shop more to try to find that energy, which of course never feels as fulfilling.  I also find that when that core happiness is missing, things often have a greater negative impact on me than they should.

Let me try to illustrate what I’m talking about.

Below are my Circles of Energy:

The center: My constant

While this may sound cliche, in order to feel healthy and functional I do need to feel a deep loving connection, and I need to see that my kids are healthy.  These two things are at the center of my core and are my constant needs for happiness. 

First layer: My Happiness Armor

This is my internal most layer for happiness.  When I make sure to prioritize these things, I have my armor of happiness in place to handle the next layer.

Second layer: Emotional Connections  

Very important things that are linked with emotional for me.  As long as the first layer is intact, I have the ability to extract happiness from these things, while mitigating the negative emotions when more difficult.

Third layer: Only fun & happiness

Things I enjoy just for extra fun... these concepts should only provide extra joy, but never have the ability to provide a real negative emotion when the other 2 layers are in tact.

So if you can even somewhat relate to what I’m saying, then I’ll say that the most important thing to do is to actually act upon it.  The big question is, how to make time for those things in that first layer that’s meant to act as your armor.

Well, I take it in stride. I've built up focus on the things that are most important to me.  As I mentioned, my center is a need andan everyday constant, so I must make sure that’s intact.  Beyond that I set expectations I can realistically meet and thus try to focus on only 2 to 3 other things a day that lie in my first layer.  I truly believe it helps me feel happier, more energized and less overwhelmed, such that I am better positioned to handle the ups and downs of the second layer and only allow for the third layer to supplement my happiness & never detract from it.  Remember, my goal is to balance my energy with a strong base of innate happiness; a happiness I allow for myself.

Where I am today:

While I feel far more energized and balanced, I realize it’s not an automatic thing or something that I can’t be conscious and proactive about.  It takes effort, thoughtfulness and discipline. But all this has made me feel more in control and offers me a way to stabilize when things feel overwhelming.  I realize my life is hectic and busy. Even in the evenings, I often have to work, need to cook for the next day (although I try to do much of my prep on Sundays), help the kids with their homework or run them to their activities.   But I still try to make the effort because I realize the benefits; and most importantly,try again the next day if it didn’t work out that today.  Like Isaid, I take it in stride.  In fact, as we enter this new Covidpandemic period, I realize that I’ll have to be even more diligent about instilling this layered balance in my life, as having a strong center will hopefully help me better endure any changes to come.