How to have a conversation about opening up your monogamous relationship
“Monogamy is not natural. It’s not natural to be with one person your whole life”
We’ve all heard this argument when talking of non-monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, and others but is it true? Is that a solid argument as to why we are seeing a rise in open relationships following the pandemic? Is monogamy experiencing a bit of a pushback?
Although yes, “monogamy is not natural” is a popular argument, open relationship coach and recent guest on the popular Facebook show, Red Table Talk, Effy Blue says something a little different.
“My response to that is sure, let's say monogamy is not natural. But where we are in our human evolution we do so many things that aren’t natural. Sitting at a desk at a Z shape for eight hours a day is not natural, dyeing our hair blue is not natural, eating wheat the way that we do is not natural, right? So humans already do a million things that are not natural, because it serves them in some way. And if monogamy serves you in some way, it doesn't really matter if it's if it's natural or not. The same with non monogamy just because monogamy is “unnatural” is not really a good enough reason to say well non-monogamy is the only option. Yeah it's an argument but I find that is not the most solid argument. The reason why you need a solid argument is not to convince other people but for you to really remain aligned with what it is you need. Knowing why and being clear about it will actually help you in having difficult conversations.”
So challenging the social norm and honestly the only contract that the majority of the world recognizes takes a solid, “why.” Ok cool, now that you have that what if you’re with someone and you want to open up a once monogamous relationship into a different type?
Where and how do you start? Immediately fear, insecurities, and the feelings of not being enough rush to the surface.
How do you bring this up to your partner without potentially wrecking everything?
“I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Sometimes that conversation goes really, really well. And sometimes it goes terribly. There are ways of setting yourself up for success.”
Approach from a big picture.
So things like sharing an article, watching something on TV, listening to a podcast, and sort of sharing it with them and say, “Hey, I've come across this it's kind of interesting to me, what are your thoughts?” And now you're having more of a general conversation. They're going to share their reaction but it will be less activating than saying, “I want an open relationship” or “I wonder what it would be like if we opened our relationship?” That brings it home too fast, too soon.
Have patience.
Remember you've been thinking about it for a long time. It is not an easy thing to bring up, but anytime you're going to have this conversation most are bursting at the seams to have it. So you need to be super patient, you need to understand your partner’s clock starts right then and your clock started back whenever you started thinking about it.
Addressing the fears and insecurities.
When you have this conversation it’s kind of like turning on big stadium size floodlights on your relationship. When these lights come on you have to be prepared to deal with things you’ve been ignoring especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. If at that moment, your mind goes to, “what’s wrong with me or why am I not enough?” Instead of coming from a secure mindset of, “Oh wow, I wonder what's going on with my partner that makes them seek these other connections?” The fears and insecurities that show up in having this conversation are likely affecting other areas of your life and should be addressed.
We dive deeper into these topics with Effy Blue in the So She Slays Podcast.
Be sure to follow Effy and reach out for any questions on her Instagram. If you’re wanting to learn even more about open relationships and the different kinds check out Effy’s site, We Are Curious Foxes.