Ask Sanyu: “My husband abandoned me” & “My husband is forcing us to break up. I’m in so much pain”

Husband drama and heartache! These struggles were given to Sanyu to hopefully shed some light and offer words of wisdom on. Hoping this helps for those who are hurting and struggling.

“My husband abandoned me”

“My husband is forcing us to break up. I’m in so much pain”

I shuffled and pulled a card for you from my oracle deck called “The Deck of Character” by Hannah Wnorowski. You received two cards. One card is a character and the other card is a tool.

Character | Thief

Comparison is the thief of joy. I recognize we are socialized to both make and expect certain agreements to be upheld. At our best, when we are in the most integrity with ourselves, we are able to “cash the checks that our mouths write” in the future because we are very self aware (or willing to be aware). This is not always, or even usually, how it happens though. 

Many times the most conditioned of us are often promising things we have no idea how to carry through, let alone that other people can come to expect of us as well. This isn’t negative, necessarily, but if we never communicate this and just promise away we can shock others when it dawns on them that we are not able to follow through with it (and maybe were never following through with things as agreed).

On the one hand this card is saying that yes, you’ve been robbed of honesty, of time, of energy, etc. That being acknowledged, people can only give you what they believe themselves to have or be capable of. And if your husbands are no longer capable of holding up their share, better that you no longer align yourselves with them than that you suffer in lies, denial or silence.

If their container is too small, too narrow, too uncompromising, too inconsiderate or too shallow to hold you; then I encourage you to explore the dignity of moving on. If they can’t take care of you or care for you, then better that they leave you to take care of yourselves. 

We are individual people first and foremost. Then we may choose to invest in our roles as family members, friends, colleagues, partners and parents. If our personhood isn’t taken care of, then our partnerships and relationships will not be sustainable. A relationship is only as healthy as the people who make it up. If you are determined to be healthy and happy as an individual, I promise your relationships will follow suit. 

Tool | Band-Aid

We needn’t ever be ashamed to show others our lived truths. Especially when we make agreements with them that are emotionally, physically and even legally binding. Ideally, people tell us their truths in real time when it is relevant to the circumstances at hand. That way we are better able to correct the things that aren’t working as soon as we are aware they aren’t working.

But when we don’t have that trust or practice in place, a lot of things can start falling by the wayside that are essential to the efficient functioning of a healthy relationship. If we allow communication, honesty, listening, space, consideration, curiosity and compassion to deteriorate in our intimate relationships, we are definitely going to get bruised along the way.

Putting band-aids on what you perceived were scratches is a credit to you addressing your circumstances in the best way you knew how with the tools at your disposal. However, what you thought was a scratch could have long been an internal injury of your partners’. This injury may not have been caused by you and it isn’t your fault that your partners didn’t (or didn’t know how to) properly articulate their wounds. That being said, a band-aid isn’t going to fix a broken bone.

I like to remind my personal clients who are in relationships that romantic relationships are optional. There are 7.5ish billion people in the world and not one of us is in a “universally required” relationship. This isn’t Romeo and Juliet or Bonnie and Clyde. Our romantic relationships no longer have to be a matter of life and death (if they ever needed to be). 

But because romantic love is optional and we are choosing it every time we involve ourselves in one (not just in feeling and thought, but also in action), we also owe it to ourselves to enter into those relationships that are truly fulfilling and joyful for us. It’s a choice! Why not make it an awesome experience of mutual learning wherever that is actually on offer? 

If that is no longer the state of being in your relationship and your partners can no longer agree to working on that, or even to what past versions of themselves committed now-versions of themselves to, then this is what is now actual about your circumstances. 

That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a loving, rewarding and reciprocal relationship! It simply means the relationship you are or were in is no longer going to fulfill that for you. Move forward with yourself, build yourself up by giving yourself the attention that you deserve. Then move on with someone who can truly love you in a healthy, open and consistent manner!