Did I just have a Mid-Life Crisis at 21?

Call 911 and tell them to expect a Category 5 emotional hurricane from a 5-foot twenty-one-year-old girl, and EVERYONE within a twenty-mile radius should seek cover immediately.

You might be asking yourself, how did she get here? When you figure it out, let me know. I have been pretty calm about the idea of graduating, moving, and starting a new chapter of my life…or so I thought. I am confident that I am ready to embark on a new phase of my life, meet new people, and let go of my current environment. I was extremely humbled when I found myself having an Oscar-winning meltdown in my car on a random Sunday at 6:48 p.m.

Let me paint the picture for you. I decided to walk around my apartment complex to watch the sunset and listen to a nice little podcast. Then about halfway through my walk, that little voice in my head that ALWAYS loves to make an appearance at the worst times decided she wanted to have a chat. The conversation went a little something like this:

Demon Voice: "You're not going to find a job you enjoy. You will work the rest of your life away and never move to your dreams."

Me: "Why? I think I have set myself up to have a successful and happy life?"

Demon Voice: "No, you're behind schedule and could have done more."

Me: "You're right. I am literally a walking failure, haha."

Demon Voice: "Good talk, chat soon xoxo."

This then leads me to my car to have an hour-long sob sash while blasting "The Best of Glee" Spotify playlist. Not my proudest moment(I'll admit, though, that Glee soundtrack was hitting different.) The following week or two, I would say I was in a "rut." I felt lost, confused, and just downright shitty about every aspect of my life. But the thing is that nothing in my life changed. I went from being perfectly content to feel like a complete train wreck. How could my attitude have changed so quickly? Well, that is what I have been pondering the past few weeks.

I am writing this article about two weeks post emotional breakdown, and I have come to a few conclusions. I separated myself from the situation long enough to figure out what might ace triggered this breakdown. I concluded that I have been in school my entire life, and although I am excited about this new chapter, I do not think I realized how daunting it would be not to have it as a backbone. I have emphasized doing well in school, getting internships, working, etc., that I accidentally made part of my identity.

If I am not a student, I do not know who I am, and that's some scary shit.

Another conclusion I came to is that I had one huge mid-life crisis because I do this cute thing called ~avoiding my emotions~ I kept focusing on moving forward. I did not stop to think about all of the things I would miss about college and the people I would have to say goodbye to. The feelings of nostalgia hit me all at once.

Now I know that it's okay to feel sad about something ending and be ready to step into a new chapter. You can love a book without going back to reread chapters.

After my mid-life crisis, the last conclusion I formed was that no one has it together. Not one single person knows what they are doing. We live in a toxic work culture where we constantly feel like we need to be hustling. Resting is looked at as selfish. So, when I realized I was three months away from being a college graduate and had no idea what I was going to do or where I would go, I labeled myself a failure.

I am changing the way I look at the situation now. Instead of stressing about having a gap between graduation and working, I decided to look at its benefits. I will have time to grow and work on self-development. I have time to travel. I have time to be with friends and family I have not seen in a while. I have time to reflect on my memories from the past four years.

Sometimes we all get so caught up in life we forget to live. And sometimes, you need a nice little mid-life crisis to remind you of that.