Being Lonely vs. Being Alone

The idea of being alone versus being lonely is something that I have recently been struggling with, and I think it is something lots of other people struggle with. So, in all honesty, I don’t know how qualified I am to write about such an intense topic, but I think sharing what I’ve experienced so far could be helpful for anyone else who is struggling with this. 

I recently got out of a three-year long-distance relationship. Throughout the long-distance, I had experienced my fair share of being alone. For three months in quarantine, I was alone (excluding the times I actually got out of bed to eat dinner with my brother and my dad). I’ve traveled alone, been home alone, and eaten dinner alone.

You’d think with so much time alone, I would know how to avoid any feelings of loneliness. 

Not the case, though; I have felt loneliness like I never have before this past year. For me, being alone is being comfortable with just me. I don’t mind that there isn’t anyone singing with me in the car or that I don’t have anyone to chat with on my way home from work. Being alone is knowing that you are by yourself, and that is enough. When I’m experiencing loneliness, though, I feel like I could disappear, and no one would know. Loneliness isn’t being uncomfortable with yourself. It’s the absence of others. It’s the absence of yourself. 

I also think loneliness manifests itself in different ways. For example, a partner could leave that absence. Friends or family could create it. Or, as I mentioned earlier, that absence could have been created by yourself. And although we could sit here and discuss all the different ways we experience loneliness, I’m sure we can agree that regardless of where it comes from, it sucks. 

One of the most important things to help cope with those feelings is to lean into loneliness. You can try to fill that absence with as many things as you want- Netflix shows, the gym, alcohol, sex, shopping, friends- but all of those things are a temporary fill. After the show has ended, you’ve bought enough clothes to fill two closets, and all your friends have left, that emptiness is suddenly there again. My most significant piece of advice is to avoid those quick fixes. Sit in the loneliness. Cry it out, put on the sad music, journal, do whatever will help you become comfortable with the loneliness. The harder you lean into the loneliness, the easier it will be the next time that absence creeps up. 

If you lean into the loneliness, you become what fills the emptiness. You don’t have to rely on anyone else or anything else to make you feel whole. 

I wish this were an overnight process. There will be days where being alone is a gift, and it could seem like you’ve been waiting all day for a moment with yourself. But then there will be other days where that alone time suddenly drips into loneliness, and you realize you want to be anywhere but with yourself. On those days, lean into the loneliness. Think about how empowering, renewing, and transforming it will be when you realize that you don’t have to rely on anyone else to get through that loneliness. The loneliness becomes less and less uncomfortable, and suddenly you know you’re just alone again.