COVID Lessons: Power In Choosing Joy over fear

I hadn’t fully comprehended what it meant to choose joy until, like most, I was given no other choice. The reason I say “no other choice” is because the other choice; was despair, was a hardship, was depression. I had already lived that “other choice” I had already struggled with the darkest of feelings, and when I had enough, then I knew- If I wanted to be free, I had to choose joy. 

Like most, COVID-19 turned my life upside down. I was working at a job I didn’t prefer; I was making my art, my music, on the side; I was trying to get ahead and take care of myself as best as I could, and it was difficult. It didn’t matter how much money I was making at my job because it never seemed to be enough. I was constantly putting myself in stressful financial situations and then forcing myself to work harder to save my own ass. The way I was living could be best described as “just merely surviving,” and there is no way anyone can get ahead with that kind of energy. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to truly feel happy about my life but was always too overwhelmed to figure out how to get there. 

When my world, like everyone else’s, was put on hold for COVID-19, I felt excited. There were times when others tried to make me feel guilty for such feelings- and I did have many other feelings, but my first was excitement. I was happy to be called off at my restaurant job where I had been working for the last 10 years and was incredibly thankful to be living in Canada, where I received financial support from my government. I also happen to be an introvert, so staying in and not seeing anyone was a somewhat welcomed relief. For the first time in my adult life, there was space. To me, this space was a gift, a gift that had me settling into myself in the most conscience manner. There were no more distractions, and with that, I was able to see where I had been failing myself. 

 My dream when I moved to the city of Toronto, Ontario, CA. was to be a singer-songwriter; I was doing that, but I also noticed how much I was not doing that. I had spent so much time and energy being caught up in the restaurant life’s little chaos’ and dramas that I allowed the thing I genuinely loved to fall by the waste side. I was ignoring the needs of my heart to create a false sense of safety by working a “job,” yet I had very little knowledge of how to actually make myself feel safe.

Having everything stripped away and being left with only the company of a good movie and a nice home-made meal, I began to see how I was living more clearly. There was (and still is) so much uncertainty everywhere that I couldn’t help but notice the mass amount of fear; it’s understandable why fear was there, but even though the scare was new, the fear was not. Amid people trying to scare me in terms of my health and finances, I also saw how much of my life before COVID was subjected to fears that were not even mine. This projection of fear kept me living under a dark cloud of a non-resonated perception. The nights I had spent alone crying, worried about my future not manifesting in a way that I would like, were mostly caused by fears that belonged to other people. These fears that weren’t even mine had such a power over me, ruining my moments and making me feel bad about myself. I often felt defeated due to the power I gave away and put into the hands of others. In this space, I have gifted the clarity to see what belonged to me and what didn’t. Weathered but relieved, I felt there was only one thing I could do if I wanted to be happy- take my power back. 

 Awakened to the fact that all along I had the power to make myself feel how I want to feel, I asked myself- how do I want to feel? Well, I want to feel good, and I want to feel joy, as much joy as I can and as often as I’d like. Then, I had to ask- how can I gift this to myself? Well, I can do this with a choice; it can be as simple as that. My power lies in my ability to choose. If a thought- either suggested by myself or another comes to mind, then I have the power to actively choose that thought and to live it or deny it. I can now take the time to ask what feelings are attached to these thoughts, are they going to make me full of worry and fear? Or are they going to make me feel safe and comforted? I have the right to choose. 

 I know it’s not possible to walk around feeling great all the time, as it is part of being human to experience emotions, challenges, and growth- but I know I don’t have to live there. I no longer have to live in the depths of darkness in order to get what I need out of my seemingly negative experiences. I can honor and respect my dark feelings by allowing them to be felt and heard, but then that’s got to be enough. I’ve seen the light, and I can see it again, each and every time. Sometimes I must ask for help, either from my good friends or from the universe, and sometimes I must wipe my own tears and help me see it for myself. To know that I have always had a choice is one of the greatest realizations I’ve been gifted. If something is going to make me feel bad, then why would I choose it? I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who was constantly making me feel bad…so why would I want to bring that energy onto myself?

 I am now in a place where I can accurately and actively choose the best thought path, which has literally changed my life. There are so many choices I can make every single day that will shape and sculpt my experience. The thoughts that I choose can become my experience; if I desire an experience filled with more joy, then I must create it, and do that, I must choose it over and over again. Having space and time to process this discovery allowed me to let go and settle into MY life, my true life, more than ever, and for that, I will forever be grateful.