Unveiled

Sacrifice-some sacrifices are worth making and others will kill you. Kill you in a way where you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at you. You speak and your ears can’t seem to place the voice coming out of your own mouth. You touch your body and it feels foreign to your fingertips. 

It had been 6 months and I pulled the sacrifice card nearly every week upon my oracle deck. ...Of course I was only asking my oracle deck about what to do with my crush. 

The questions ran through my mind...did I have to sacrifice a love who did not notice me (I probably should have..I barely got a text back)? Did I have to sacrifice my dignity? Did I have to do some actual external sacrifice of the raw eggs in my fridge and call upon the gods? No, it was none of that. 

It’s weird how the answer is so close to you, that you don’t even notice it. In fact it probably sits with you everyday at every moment just like a fly on the wall waiting for you to paddle it up and whack it! 

Throughout the past year I had been met with heartbreak and disappointment..no matter what I did, love was not on my side. I was screaming internally as if something was wrong with me and there was..there was something very wrong with me. I was sacrificing my integrity and my dignity to feel loved by another human being. I was lying to them, but more importantly I was lying to myself. I betrayed who I was for some fucked up version of ‘love’. 

I grew up every day of my life as a girl, feeling as though I had to sacrifice my own voice, to make a man feel comfortable in his. It wasn’t womanly to say how I felt. It wasn’t womanly to tell a man I desired him-I was supposed to wait for him to come to me. God forbid, I went on a couple dates with a guy and if something made me feel uncomfortable, I was taught not to bring it up. I was to be seen, but not heard. Clearly love was a game and I could barely make it into the playing field. 

Every date I went on and every comment I heard that I took a backseat too, ugh. Those comments of how he likes girls with long hair or blonde hair or big boobs. That one time I dated a guy who thought I was into him because of his job and the money he makes- eww I wish I had walked out of that date. Those times I let a guy back into my life after he disappointed me, as if his presence was God itself. For a long time I took all of those behaviors with a grain of salt..instead of seeing them for what it really was-RED FLAGS. 

I once heard a debate about the difference between a guy cheating and a girl cheating. And how a girl cheating was different from a guy cheating and why it was okay for a girl to take back her man after he cheated, but if a girl cheated he had to be done. Why and how are there this double standard of how relationships are supposed to go? I know many girls who stay with guys after they cheated and I know many guys who would not tolerate a girl cheating on them. What’s up with that? 

Relationships shouldn’t have different expectations for different parties involved. It shouldn’t be okay for him to get a late night text and not okay for you. Heck, why do I have to wait for him to text me back instead of just expressing interest first. 

So many of us humans sacrifice who we are in a relationship for our so-called companion. Some sacrifices are actually compromises and others kill us so slowly that when the end is near, we can’t figure out why this once promising relationship turned upside down. 

Those sacrifices I tried to make tore off pieces of my own soul that I almost didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. So, I stopped sacrificing myself for another and started voicing who I really am, no matter how scary it was. There will be those who will welcome me with open arms and others who will turn their back. And sure I may cry for a bit and even check my messages daily hoping to get a text back, but the weeping for him will be a week.. but if I had conformed for ‘love’, I would be weeping for myself daily and not sleeping well at night..and I like my sleep. 

Taking off your mask and unveiling your soul is an act of true love and homage to yourself and if you can’t love you for who you are, then the whole journey is meaningless.