The Definitive Ranking of Little Women: Atlanta Characters
I’m a firm believer that Little Women: Atlanta is the best reality TV show on television. It’s much watch TV if you’re looking for a way to turn away from the current reality TV show that is ruining the lives of Americans everywhere (see: Donald Trump’s presidency). Where else can you find fake pregnancies, imaginary boyfriends, two sets of twerking twins, felonious life partners, and a court case that involved a thrown plate of chicken wings?
To spread the love, I thought I would rank the women that appear on the show so you can truly recognize the brilliance that blesses our television screens on a weekly basis.
(This ranking will not include Emily Fernandez and Bri Barlup aka Right Cheek and Left Cheek, as they have fled for Little Women: Dallas, which is also worthy of your time.)
MS. JUICY aka THE QUEEN OF ATLANTA
The myth. The legend. It’s the Queen of Atlanta, MS. JUICY BABY! When God created reality TV characters he created Juicy on the last day, the crowning jewel of his accomplishments. Juicy has more confidence than any woman with a fire engine red weave should have, but it works. A longtime member of Ricky Smiley’s radio crew, Juicy serves us looks, attitude, and an amazing penchant to stir the pot wherever she goes. Are you lying about your pregnancy? Is your baby daddy a worthless piece of trash? Is your man just a booty call, rather than a potential life partner? Juicy will dig, find the answer, and then wave it in your face for at least five episodes. Some may call Juicy manipulative, nosy, or tacky. I call her my hero. I LOVE YOU, JUICY.
5 out of 5 TV STARS
Bonus: She sings!
MINNIE aka THE LIAR
First things first: Minnie is a pathological liar. She lies about everything. Was Minnie actually dating Atlanta based rapper Pastor Troy? No. Was Minnie ever actually pregnant with Pastor Troy’s child? No. Did Minnie have a miscarriage? No. Is Minnie the purest reality entertainment character we’ve seen this year? YES. Minnie has used her penchant for lying to give us the best storylines on television. Everyone knows she’s lying. Everyone knows she uses these lies to manipulate her friends (the Tiny Twins, Monie, Ms. Juicy to name a few), and yet, this show is almost nothing without Minnie’s shenanigans. How ballsy can you be to fake a pregnancy and then claim to be a trustworthy person?
4 out of 5 TV STARS
Bonus: Minnie’s mom, in attempt to protect her daughter’s lies, threw a plate of chicken wings on Juicy sparking a contentious debate about assault via poultry. #JesuisJuicy
MONIE aka THE ANGRY ONE
I think what I like best about Monie is that she only has two modes of living, “Regular Monie” and “I WILL MONIE-TIZE YOU, MONIE”. “Monie-tize” means “I WILL BEAT YOU DOWN.” When Monie is in full Monie-tize mode, she is liable to throw food on you, dump a drink on your head, or cuss you out, all while keeping her weave or wig delicately positioned on her head. Credit to Monie, she’s realized her temper has been a detriment to her relationships, especially to her endearing and helplessly country fiancée Morlin. Despite a recent trend towards good behavior, the Reality TV Gods know her temper makes her TV Gold. Here’s hoping she never loses that edge that makes her so uniquely Monie.
4 out of 5 TV STARS
Bonus: Monie was responsible for the takedown of the two scariest characters on television, Charity and Hope. She monie-tized them twice. Bravo, Monie!
AMANDA AND ANDREA aka THE TINY TWINS
Confession time: I can’t tell the twins apart. All I know is that they can twerk, have fabulous false eyelashes, and one of them has the worst baby daddy we’ve ever seen on television. At first I found the twins annoying and a little slow. As time went on, I realized they suffered from overprotective parents and horrible decision making skills. Maybe, just maybe, I needed to give them time to blossom.
Halfway through season 2 I realized I was wrong. The twins early on decided to cast their lot with career liar Minnie. Going to bat for Minnie after she lied to them multiple times is just dumb. It also became ridiculously evident the twins are really gifted at only one thing, and that’s twerking.
Bonus: Their boyfriends are a study in contrast. Amanda’s boo is a stand-up gentleman. Andrea’s baby daddy has run out on her twice and has a second family in Texas. No, you cannot make this up. I’m praying Andrea finds someone who treats her with respect.
4 out of 5 STARS
TANYA AND SAM aka THE NEW ONES
Tanya:
Sam:
Tanya and Sam are new so they are still getting comfortable. We don’t know too much about them. What we do know is somewhat flattering; Tanya is an entrepreneur and Sam is a makeup artist. But don’t get too excited about them being ratchet free. Tanya has a somewhat dubious past involving her baby daddies. Sam hasn’t shown us much but give her time. I’m sure the skeletons will come tumbling out.
3 out of 5 STARS
Bonus: No bonus. They haven’t given us any iconic moments… yet.