Fulfillment, motivation, and success despite obstacles

Fulfillment to me means achieving a dream, pursuing a passion, striving to be happy every day, and finding joy in what I do. To say I did my best and made every moment count. I believe having those dreams and feelings of fulfillment comes from motivation. Motivation to do and be better in whatever parameters one sets for themselves. My motivation for life comes in the most innate form — the will to live. To live the fullest life I can, in the time I am given to live it.

I was born with a genetic progressive lung disease called cystic fibrosis. It causes the buildup of thick sticky mucus primarily in the lungs, and overtime the cycle of bacterial infections that grow in the lungs causing inflammation leads to scaring and lung function decline and eventually respiratory failure. Having cystic fibrosis has shaped me to want to live each day to its fullest. My motivation to have this attitude has grown with each passing year, though it’s taken time to gain the maturity, experiences, and confidence to find my identity and purpose.

Growing up, I was always a quiet child, especially around strangers. It terrified me to even think about having to talk to somebody I didn’t know. I stayed this way through high school, a time that I was more insecure with myself than at any other point in my life. Having CF, being somewhat introverted by nature, and having overprotective parents all contributed to my situation. I call it a “situation” because it was always something I wanted to leave behind. I wanted to be social and make friends easily, but it never was easy. Having CF, then, seemed like a huge obstacle. I was always thinking about what others were going to think when they knew I was different.

It was a slow transformation, but I began to tire of the feeling that life was passing me by, and I wasn’t living it the way I wanted to. I began being more open about CF with peers and finding others dealing with similar challenges within the CF community. I also advocated for myself with my doctors and educated both those in the medical field and strangers about this disease. I began to be more comfortable in my own skin. I started accepting who I am, and I wanted to share it with others.

I began writing to inspire and motivate others, and feel satisfied. I express my true self best through writing. I’m able to express the words that I can’t exactly think of when I speak, It’s a way for me to process. Writing is a place I can go to in my mind to be alone and wrap my head around ideas and thoughts whether positive or negative. It brings me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I produce something unique to me, and it makes me feel proud and happy. 

But my writing stemmed from the experience of one of the most difficult times in my life. My first piece was a pained and confused reflection of being stuck in a position where my body was starting to fail me but ambition kept me reaching for the next rung to climb the corporate ladder. I had decided to turn down my first big girl job a year after college. Having cystic fibrosis, my life had other plans in store, and keeping up, in that sense, wasn’t in the plan. At the time, already only having 30% lung function, realistically, I wouldn’t be able to maintain 8+ hour work days and take care of my health to keep infections away and stay out of the hospital.

In our society, so much emphasis is placed on the origin of our success through our careers, and I felt this pressure too despite being aware that I was someone with a chronic illness who didn’t know what even a few months might bring. Whenever we meet a stranger, one of the first questions we ask is “What do you do?” It was one of the hardest decisions in my life – feeling like I was giving up a part of my identity. At the time, I couldn’t escape the feeling of failure, of being left behind all my peers in life.

I vowed to find my success in other ways, but I didn’t know what that would look like, or whether I really would find it or just feel like I was floating through life. Little did I know, that first article I ever wrote, when all I wanted to do was vent frustrations and reach others that may have been going through the same things, ended up igniting a passion for writing that has provided me fulfillment and other opportunities to use my skills and biology degree simultaneously. 

As time has passed, some of the microbiology work in the lab has had intersection with CF, as common infections in CF lungs and antibiotic resistances they acquire are also commonly found in the environment. Having this background knowledge has allowed me to explore and understand CF research and be involved in various research related advisory committees tasked in providing patient perspectives on research questions as well as working with researchers and professionals and helping them and the general public communicate and relate to each other. I’m now able to provide a scientific voice to the CF community while having purpose and success in my life. 

These days, I feel the effects of my disease more than ever before. In a way, it has scared me. But from that fear, I’ve grown to have an even greater will to go on and to have an appreciation for the life I have, for however long I have it. Over the past few years, my lung function has dramatically declined to now 25% and I have struggled with lung infections, which have required me to be on many antibiotics and require supplemental oxygen. I suffered physically and emotionally, but I will always continue on. 

Doing breathing treatment in front of the Roman colosseum summer 2018. 

I want to reassure those dealing with difficult circumstance who are stressing about not having the career they wish they could have or dealing with other complex obstacles outside of their control, to keep looking for ways to feel accomplished and motivated. For some of us the inability to plan for our careers or our futures in general can be viewed as negative thing, but it can allow us to pursue avenues we never thought possible. 

Things in life work out. As long as we have the drive, determination and ambition to put our best into whatever we do, and to gain fulfillment from that task or accomplishment, we are successful, each in our own way. 

Don’t be fearful to love to the fullest, to be bold, speak your mind, and let others experience who you are. I fight every day, for one more breath, to accomplish one more thing. Living, that’s my motivation.