Bachelor Slaytion - Week 5 Recap: We Watched 5 Hours of This S#!T

We’re baaaack. We will be posting regularly on Wednesdays from now on, we promise, but ABC decided to ruin our lives and air two episodes this week. One of which was three hours long. We watched five hours of the Bachelor this week, all so you didn’t have to. You’ll find a way to make it up to us.

An actual conversation we had when we found out how long these episodes were.

Monday’s episode picks up at the cocktail party in Cleveland. (Last chance for us to make fun of the fact that they’re in Cleveland). Everyone is still freaking out that Alayah is there with a rose after she just showed up on a group date after being sent home. How are we still talking about Alayah? Peter takes her aside and tells her he doesn’t care what anyone says about her and he knows she’s a good person. But it turns out he is sending her home. Again. LMAO. Alayah is gone for good and the women are so happy that they could probably pop Kelsey’s champagne and she wouldn’t even care. The cocktail party continues and we are really proud of these women for standing up for themselves. It’s not every season we see them actually holding the bachelor accountable. The rose ceremony sends Deandra, Kiarra and Savannah home. We’re thinking they may have gotten out at the right time.

We are now in Costa Rica. The women stand on a balcony and yell “hola Costa Rica”. Groundbreaking. The women are wondering where Peter is when a helicopter starts flying toward their villa. Peter in a flying vehicle? Again, groundbreaking. He shows up with a huge bandage on his forehead and he continues by telling some fake ass story about hiking and fighting a puma and these women are really falling for it. He actually hit his head on a golf cart while holding a glass and ended up with twenty-two stitches. That’s our bachelor. 

Sydney gets the first one-on-one and they’re off in the helicopter. They are dropped in a romantic middle of nowhere for a picnic where they talk about their personal lives for five seconds and then start making out. Peter tells Sydney she’s the best kisser. Is that allowed? And how do you get a compliment like that, asking for a friend. Sydney talks about how hard it was for her to grow up biracial and with a single mom in Alabama, and how she had no friends in high school and ate lunch in the bathroom. We’ve seen a number of tweets that completely contradict that statement so it might be time for us to be done with Sydney. Anyway, they basically make out for the rest of the date and she gets a rose.

via Twitter.com/jc_me_rollin_

Onto the group date. The date card says “let’s capture our love” or something like that, so they’re definitely doing a photoshoot. Peter takes the women to a waterfall in Costa Rica where they’ll be doing a Cosmo cover shoot? Wait, what? Is Cosmo that desperate? Anyway, they all really go off at this photoshoot and one winner is chosen to be on the cover with Peter. Of course “I’m so shy” Victoria F. wins. Cosmo has since pulled the cover because of her scandal.

This group date cocktail party is about to be filled with drama. We are so excited. Victoria F and Peter bond about being “old”. They’re 26 and 28. I mean I definitely had an existential crisis when I turned 23 last month but even I know being 28 does not qualify you as a “grandpa”, Peter. Kelsey is still freaking out about the fact that Peter is dating other girls, like she has no idea what show she signed up for. 

Tammy decides to use her time with Peter to tell him that she thinks Kelsey is crazy. Never use your time with him to tattle, that is the basic rule of this show and every season someone breaks it. Tammy is really insensitive. She causes Peter to say to ask Kelsey about her “mental breakdown”. Crying and feeling overwhelmed by a situation is not a mental breakdown. Kelsey is definitely overreacting, but Tammy is straight up bullying.

Kelley has a one on one this week and she could literally not be less enthused. They have a ceremony with a shaman and Peter is crazy invested in it. Every sign is telling them they shouldn’t be together. We are so bored by this date. Peter is really holding on to the fact that they met before the show and he is so convinced that it is a sign of some sort. Kelley is practically begging to leave. Kelley accuses Peter of constantly “rewarding the drama” which is absolutely one hundred percent exactly what he does. Eventually they decide that they actually are on the same page and he gives her the rose? We’re so confused. Moving on.

The next day, Kelsey has had enough of competing with other women for a man on a show where the entire premise is to compete with other women for a man. Seriously, has she ever seen this show before? She goes to talk to Peter in his hotel room explaining how she still can’t handle him dating other girls and he… falls for it. Gives her a rose and yet again is rewarding the d r a m a.

via Twitter.com/BrettSVergara

Because of Kelsey’s tattling, the cocktail party before the rose ceremony is cancelled. Cue Mykenna’s tears. Tammy and Kelsey start yelling at each other because apparently Tammy told Peter that Kelsey pops pills and drinks too much. This episode is a fever dream. Everyone is yelling at each other. Peter is about to hand out the first rose when Tammy asks to talk to him. Then Mykenna asks to talk to him. We’re literally so exhausted from this episode please just send everyone home, Peter. We say goodbye to Shiann and Lexi. Shiann gives Peter a cryptic message on her way out and says that some of the women are not who they appear to be.

It’s Wednesday and we’re still watching this show. We’re going to make this as quick and painless as possible. They are now in Santiago, Chile, and in case you forgot, Peter can speak Spanish! He is half Cuban! OMG!  We are literally three minutes into the episode and Mykenna is already crying. This girl was truly made for this show. 

Hannah Ann gets the first one on one. They explore the city of Santiago and an older Chilean couple basically tells them Hannah Ann looks too young for Peter. Peter is second guessing everything because Hannah Ann has never been in love. Relax? He is kind of starting to see through the perfect responses she’s giving him at dinner so he literally walks away. Hannah Ann goes and cries to him so she obviously gets the rose.

The group date this week is super bland, we’re gonna breeze through this one. They film a telenovela and all the girls play characters fighting for Peter’s heart. Mykenna plays a maid and really identifies with the character who is always standing around watching Peter make out with everyone else. Mood. Tammy and Mykenna fight at the cocktail party, Madison gets the group date rose and that’s about it.

The girls are back in the hotel room another date card is delivered Victoria F. has another one on one which is kind of absurd but Peter is obsessed with her. The girls are absolutely fuming especially Mykenna, we can assume she cries again. 

Their date is in the country-side of Chile and everything is fine and dandy until Peter expresses how confident he is in their relationship. At this point Victoria F ruins her own one on one because she definitely does not feel the same way, and Peter calls her out on it. *Applause* They talk about it some more at dinner  and Victoria cries in the bathroom. We were convinced she was leaving but Peter decides to give her the rose. 

via Instagram.com/bachelornation

Another date card reveals a two-on-one date pre-rose ceremony between Mykenna and Tammy that is labeled “enough is enough” - Peter. As they arrive at the date and sit in silence Mykenna pulls a bunch of Pinterest quotes on Tammy but its unbelievably awkward. After Peter pulls Tammy and Mykenna to talk, he decides that he believes Mykenna and sends Tammy home. 

The rose ceremony ends up sending Mykenna home anyway and she gives us the greatest reaction pictures we could have asked for *see below*

She doesn’t leave without giving an inspirational speech about how strong and beautiful she is and this is when we know she’ll be just fine. We also say goodbye to Sydney. Must have been so hard for Peter to get rid of the best kisser. Praying for him, and for us because it’ll be Monday before we know it. See you then! xoxo Isa and Shelby