I Need A Break

I am tired of being your strong and funny friend.

I have anxiety.  Yes, I know a lot of people say that all the time, but it's so real.  I hate to admit that I give in to these anxiety attacks and I let it take over my mood and day. I've been suffering from anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since the of age 14. But, I can probably say since birth. I was so stressed out as a baby my mom had to get an emergency C-section. 

I always knew I was a nervous child, always anxious and would feel at ease to repeat the same motions over.  Everything has to be in 4 on a count because there are 4 people in my household. I feel safe. I felt like if I didn't make these motions or have things in 4 something would happen to my mom. I thought I was crazy. I remember watching MTV's show True Life: I Have OCD, and felt at ease. I saw someone like me struggling with the motions of if I don't do something I can lose my mom. I also remember watching the Jack Nicholson movie, "As Good As It Gets' and he suffered from OCD, and I knew this was a real thing. My anxiety gets me panicking, nervous, angered, and depressed.  

I went to therapy for anxiety, and they clinically diagnosed me as having OCD. I didn't like my therapist she made me feel pathetic and try to force me on medication. I decided to take the other route and write and exercise.  (Side note-I believe you do whatever is best for you, exercise, talking, medication, etc., it's your path). I was doing fine for awhile, and then I had a terrible car accident when I was 22, and all the anxiety emotions reappeared. I went back to therapy, and my therapist honestly saved me from myself. My therapist gave me an open space to talk, vent, scream and I didn't have to force myself to be okay. It was the best experience. 

A lot of people don't know what I go thru each day, but I can honestly say it's hard.  Everyone looks at me as the "strong and funny'' friend, but I am not. It takes a lot out of me to portray that version. I want to be able to depend on my friends without feeling like I am bothering them. I just want to say 'I am not okay'. Only a few people know how bad it is. I can honestly say my closest friends have no idea how I feel each day and that's okay. I just want to write this piece to feel comfortable saying.

Yes, I have terrible anxiety with OCD, and I am tired of being your 'strong and funny friend.' 

I pray each day to feel at ease. I still count to feel calm. I clean all the time.  As I am getting older, I can say that I am doing better with the help of my family and talking about this more to people. 

I will write more about it soon. 
Thank you for reading.